Gambling addiction in general: Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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I need your opinion or advice (or tips). The short version:
My girlfriend has been addicted to gambling for 2.5 years (online casinos)
She has already had 3 relapses and is now finally in treatment, but
1. She usually tells the psychologist there that she is doing great and
2. She has been saying since the beginning: well, she is not at Risk of relapsing, even though she had 2 relapses in 1 year
Last year she was on the verge of the bailiff because there were so many unpaid bills
I covered all 3 relapses financially so that nothing came out
Now the problem is that I have started looking through her cell phone and find some emails in the deleted folder about recent deposits and withdrawals on various online casino sites
I don't know how to approach her about this or I might lose her trust
Because when I ask her how things are going with the addiction issue she just lies right to my face
Back then she had the opportunity to go to inpatient therapy for 9 weeks, which she didn't want to do
Now with 2 children it's no longer really feasible
As I can no longer afford a relapse financially...
After the 3rd relapse, I checked her online banking once a week (agreed with her) which became less and less after 8 weeks, as the security was actually there again
I'm starting to get confused...
Does anyone have a similar problem?
Sorry for the long text
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Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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Harald_B
In this case, I would definitely talk to her about it. The "trust violated" option has long since been dealt with here.
Now it's a matter of financial existence, so she should be glad that you're paying attention.
And she should be happy that you're sticking by her despite all this crap. Not everyone would do that.
If the "professionals" couldn't reduce the addiction, it's really difficult.
I'm not a psychologist, but try asking two simple questions in a quiet moment. Talking about it in an argument is pointless anyway.
"Why do you play?"
and
"How can we work this out together so that we can have a future together with our children without gambling?"
I don't know if this fits in with your communication, but these would be two W-questions that she would have to answer individually
and maybe think about it.
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Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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It's difficult...she's not lying to you because she enjoys it but because she's addicted and can't/won't/won't admit it to whatever...
you can have her banned..if of course she plays in illegal casinos that won't do much good either...
does she have another addiction? at what times does she play so secretly? maybe you just catch her doing it somehow and talk to her about it in peace?
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Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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RebellYell, 
Saphira
Yes, it hurts or there are dangers in the debate, but she doesn't seem to have really understood it or doesn't want to admit it and is deluding herself!
Either she wants to pull together with you or she doesn't, the fact alone that she has 2 children should make her think!
Wish you a lot of strength, but no therapy will help her if she is not willing to recognize the truth herself!
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Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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She lies to you, you go through her stuff. The question is: why does she have to lie to you and why do you have to check?
The only thing that helps is to be strong. 8 weeks is not enough. You have to be consistent and go through her online banking once a week and go through all her expenses with her.
Therapy won't help if she doesn't admit to herself that the game is over. She lies to everyone and thinks she can get away with it.
What you could do is restrict the money further, i.e. take away her bank card and stop her withdrawing anything. She can take food from home for work and the like. Petrol/shopping only with your presence etc. etc.
She needs to feel consequences, maybe then she'll finally understand that it's over. If you always save her, she'll never understand because she thinks she can always get away with it.
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Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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Unfortunately, you can be the greatest professional if the person is not prepared to fight the addiction, but it's no use
Such a fight is not easy and relapses usually go hand in hand with a feeling of what a failure you are - unfortunately, for some people it goes so far that their own existence is already seen as a problem and they almost consider themselves not worth living
If you are not prepared to go the hard way because it is unpleasant, no psychologist will help you
The TE currently has a really bad situation, he had control but has lost it again due to the loosening and an addicted gambler naturally uses this faster than you can see
On the other hand, he has the information he now has from a source where he actually wouldn't have and addicted players easily manage to pass the buck to you when he talks openly about it because in the end the TE still feels responsible and the player is once again out of the picture
I can't think of any logical reason why the TE should suddenly doubt his success again and want to cut back on his finances - I mean, there is a reason, but how can you communicate this without labeling him as a spy?
I mean he hasn't lost any money or had any clues under his nose and the only thing I can think of spontaneously is if he asks you if he can do a spontaneous spot check because he read about it in a forum for gambling addiction
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Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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Can I be honest with you? A gambler will always be a gambler and stay quit completely manage maybe 2 percent. Have them blocked everywhere and don't do any online banking stuff either.
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Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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Olli_Eule
So it would probably make more sense to talk to her psychotherapist, who might have an idea of how to solve this without mentioning the conversation with you. Or you could try to catch her in the act so that she can't talk her way out of it. She will play at certain times. If money is flowing away or is missing, you could also bring this up, as it will be noticed at some point. Unless she wins, which is unlikely in the long run. You could also tell her that you've already had two nightmares in which she gambled again and gambled away so much that it not only led to financial ruin, but also to a terrible break-up afterwards. This would run after you in such a way that you need a sense of security and so she may give you a look at her online banking. This last suggestion may be a bit theatrical, but sometimes it works.
I think Butterbrezel's two W questions are very good. But you can only ask them once she has admitted it or the affair has been exposed.
Just a few thoughts from a woman's perspective 😉 I'll keep my fingers crossed that you can solve the problem quickly.
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Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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I agree with you. Pull the ripcord.
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Relapse no. 4, what can I do
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Relatives of addicted people must be careful not to develop co-dependency. What you write in the quote shows that you are already in the middle of it.
Don't let yourself be dragged into it any longer. People suffering from addiction who don't show any insight not only destroy themselves but also drag their whole environment into it. As long as you, as a relative, mitigate the consequences of your partner's addiction or whoever it is, or even clean it up yourself, you are only delaying the low point that an addict needs in order to realize that things can't go on like this and that a serious decision must be made to change something.
Just as an alcoholic who shows no insight will always find ways to get alcohol, someone who is addicted to gambling will also find ways to pursue their cravings. And there are plenty of ways to do that without a bank account.
She has to feel the negative consequences of her addiction. And she won't if there is someone there to take responsibility and deal with the consequences.
There are also mother-child facilities where the children can be taken to therapy. It's not a nice thing to do, but it can be done ...
Talk to them about it consistently. Okay, I wouldn't say that you can see through the cell phone either. But when you live with someone, you can sense when something is "off" and you can tell her that.
Think about the consequences you will take to protect yourself and the children if you don't take serious action against this addiction (consequences that you can actually follow through with) and tell her so.
Seriously addicted people lie, cheat, cover up - not with malicious intent, they just can't help themselves at that moment. It also has a lot to do with fear. But nonetheless, they have to find their way back to personal responsibility.
Well, and co-dependents must stop taking responsibility for something that is not their responsibility at all, but must also find their way back to taking responsibility for themselves (and the children, of course).
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